In honor of the historic up and coming elections, I thought I would put to pen my reasons for declining any interest in the office of the Presidency. Just remember something other than the “Alamo”: if nominated, I will not accept; if elected, I will not serve; and if served, I will leave the country under an assumed name.
1. You have to wear a suit, gray, black, or blue. I only look good in pink, and I don’t even own a suit.
2. I sport a beard. The last 2 Presidents who have had chin whiskers were Benjamin Harrison and James Garfield. They shot Garfield and Harrison’s grandfather, also a President, died after 30 days in office. I’m thinking bad karma here.
3. You have to attend church on Sundays and I don’t know of a practicing sect of Left Handed Tantrists-- the only true faith-- this side of New Delhi.
4. If you are President you are supposed to tell the truth at all times. Of course, you don’t and are, usually, rewarded for this oversight. I always tell the truth which is the reason that I keep a pillow and blanket on my sofa in the living room.
5. There are too many pieces of silverware at State dinners and that can be confusing. I only use an oversized serving fork to consume my vittles.
6. Current fad dictates that a candidate must be elderly, a female—preferably pregnant—or a black man with a funny name. I have to wait for fat, bald-headed, and stupid to be considered a presidential quality before I toss my hat in the ring.
7. Presidents never speak or know any foreign language. I can work in 2 languages other than English. A foreign affair in the White House is having sex with someone other than your wife. Language ability is a disqualifier, and I am faithful to my wife.
8. And speaking of foreign affairs, consider a recent, sexual history of Presidents “did he, or didn’t he?” FDR did, and he couldn’t get out of a wheel chair. Think about the possibilities. Truman didn’t, too busy walking. Eisenhower did, at least as a General. Kennedy did it so much they should have forgotten about the Library and just opened a whorehouse in his honor. LBJ did, but he had Lady Bird—who wouldn’t? Nixon definitely didn’t, unless it was with Kissinger—there goes that language thing again! Ford fell down a lot, but so did his wife. Jimmy Carter did, but it was with his heart not his hard-on. Reagan never would cheat on his lovely wife—he just made movies with monkeys. Senior Bush didn’t, Americans would have killed him if he had been unfaithful to a wife who looks like she graced all the Norman Rockwell covers. Now Clinton—nothing need be said—long live the King! And lastly, Junior! I hate to say it, but the guy was a cheerleader in college. You take a guess!
9. While we are talking about S-E-X, you don’t always find Marilyn Monroe under the White House Christmas Tree, sometimes we have Hanukah and find Monica!
10. The President has to participate in the world’s largest Easter Egg Hunt during that holiday season. I can’t do that. I hate hard-boiled eggs, think Easter was created by the Hallmark Card Company conspiracy, and didn’t like kids when I was a kid! Other than that, I’m good to go.
Part Two Coming Soon!
Billy P.
A special thanks to Judas for being the weirdo that he is!
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