"Agent Orange!"

If, at some course of the day, you get an urge to wander outside, away from the security of your chase lounge and the Oprah Show, you may want to check your computer for the current color- coding which will assure your safe passage for this dangerous mission. It seems, along with the many other inheritances that we have in the 21st century, that there are color advisories that are supposed to direct us in our decision making process as to how we approach all the day’s activities.

In olden times—maybe 8 years ago—taking a trip from your sofa to the great outdoors was a simple task. You simply unglued your butt, popped open the door, and hit the asphalt with nary a concern and, certainly, with complete color blindness. But today, at least if you’re going to believe all the efforts and warnings that our new security and safety protocols promise us, you’d better take the litmus test before you take the big leap and give the Boogey Man a chance to get you!

It was just a little while ago that telling the Boss that the reason you were late for work was because you hit “all the red lights on the way in.” Nowadays, that excuse won’t wash. We are all advised about the hazards that certain colors forewarn, right there on the T.V. set every morning nestled along side the weather forecast and the news. Checking out of a hotel on Devil’s Island would be easier than leaving the house before noon.



Just consider a quick non-scientific count of such warnings. Of course, the Big One is the Department of Homeland Security; the all Seeing Eye that knows who the bad guys are and what they are thinking, but just can’t seem to locate them. Then we have the ozone, our daily reminder that, just maybe, Mother Nature ain’t too crazy about fossil fuels and the vehicles that emit them. If you’re teetering on paranoia, you can consult with the FDA—no, not the Food and Drug Administration, but the Food Defense and Terrorism Administration; they will provide you with the appropriate warnings concerning the possibility that terrorists maybe trying to poison you pizza. War on the horizon, no problem; check with the military for the latest DefCom reality—1 thru 5. And hell, if you live in California, you can even ring up FloodCom, an advisory that proclaims the probability of floods in your neighborhood. And all of these are color- coded!

When we consider that in the 8 years the Homeland Security five- color advisory system has been in effect, and that in that time, only 2 colors have been used, yellow (elevated alert) and orange (high alert), we all might want to consider what all the fuss is about and what the hell are we supposed to do about it if something really is happening?

Theoretically, an individual who lives in California has the possibility of drawing a full, five-card flush during a “high alert.” A real “Agent Orange!"

If you really want to get scared, consider this. Many years ago—1967, to be exact—I was part of the infrastructure that was supposed to be protecting you from these menaces. Of course, at the time our enemies were the Russians (just try to keep your scorecard up to date). We were a security unit of interpreters who monitored the Russian Army as they invaded Czechoslovakia. There was just one problem—we found out about the invasion the same way you did—on the 6 o’clock news!

The next time that you face a 4-hour delay at the airport because some dude found an opened box of chocolates at an airport in Santa Fe, New Mexico, you can take great comfort that there are people like me on the lookout.

Billy P.