"You Are What You Eat!"

According to something called NHANES (The National Health And Nutritional Educational Survey), 16 percent of our youth between the ages of 6 and 16 are obese. I tip the scale pretty good myself, but does anyone know how to pronounce NHANES? (Stay tuned for a BLOG on acronyms and the people who devise them.) Over the years, fighting the Battle of the Bulge has encouraged many diet fads; and just to name a few:

The, South Beach Bar Diet—allows you to eat all that you want as long as it is consumed in Miami.

The, Bangladesh Eat All The Sand You Want Diet—works, I guess? Every time I see the ocean I have to make potty!

The, Only Eat In Months That End In "R" Diet—doesn't work; too many months end in "R."

The, Eat But Don't Swallow Diet—tends to be a bit messy, especially with Chinese food.

The, Cloned Meat Diet—an up and comer; you tend to eat half as much as you want because it looks like you've already eaten what you're eating!

The, Eat All The Donuts You Want Diet—you're only allowed to eat the centers.

I had dinner with a friend recently and couldn't help staring at his 12-year-old son who had devoured 3, heaping plates of pasta as fast as I can swill a shot of Peppermint Schnapps.

At one point he must have noticed that I was fixed on his activity and he asked, "Billy, are chins a good thing?"

"They must be," I replied, "God gave you 5 of them!"

My statement must have had some affect on him. He seemed to struggle with his next 2 plates of spaghetti.

It is amazing to me to know at what length people will go in denial of their obesity. I mean if you're fat, you're fat, right? I mean, can you lie about your height?

'Yeah, I know I measure 5'8", but I'm really 6'10"."

I have one friend who is particularly delusional. This women gargles with Kahlua and Creams, but blames her thyroid for every thing. You could keep your spare change in her belly button, and she doesn't see any thing wrong!

She finally told me she was in counseling and I immediately thought, "With the Keebler Elves, right?"

I heard recently that she submitted to that hideous operation that short cuts your pooper. I also heard that she dropped the Kahlua for Amaretto!

I have an opinion, scientific or not, about how this eating-thing all started.

Take yourself back in time. Let's talk about the hours, days, and weeks spent in a bassinet, baby crib, or whatever your time period called that thing you slept in when you were first born.

We all have something in common; something that has mystified us and energized what we now know as "hunger-pangs."

Our feet—it all started with our feet!

Remember?

"Man, look at those chubby, red things at the end of the bed. And they are connected to me! Bet they sure would taste good, especially that big, fat one on the end. Oh, yeah—let me get you up here in my mouth, Big Guy. Yummy. Now I know why that hairy thing that smells so funny keeps licking them all the time. No wonder the Lady with the milk bottles on her chest keeps chasing him away. Aw, boy, life is great—there must be a hundred of them. These would go great with some milk. Hey, Lady!"

Too much reminiscing has made me hungry. I think I'll have some Sun Chips and a cold beer. My current diet craze!

Billy P.