This is a continuation of my epic tom that began yesterday’s date. If I don’t publish it all soon, I’ll have 2,000 reasons I don’t want to be President!
11) The President has to be the Commander-In-Chief of all the armed forces. The last time I was asked (should I say ordered?) to command men was during my service tenure as charge-of-quarters. For all of you who have never fought the great fight, charge-of-quarters is a duty assigned in the military—kind of an acting boss of your unit. The responsibilities are usually petty, but are taken seriously by the powers to be. While serving at an all-service facility (all the branches of the military) I was given this dubious honor. My responsibility was to send a detachment of men for KP duty (Kitchen Police). As a punishment for my previous sins, I pulled this tour on Christmas Eve, my favorite holiday. So, to make a long story short, when the Mess Sergeant, who was in the Air Force, called the Army—me-- for the detachment of men, I simply declined to offer any. I went on to say that it was Christmas and the Army didn’t want to take away from the spirit of the holiday by thinking about “military stuff.” For that reason, and with respect of the holiday concept of “peace on earth,” I declined the invitation. That little action cost me a stripe. What the hell, the guys didn’t have to clean pots and all had a very, Merry Christmas!
12) You get to throw out the first ball of the baseball season, but you don’t get paid for it. Hell, there are ballplayers from almost all teams who are getting paid millions and they don’t even touch a baseball. You be president, I want to be on the disabled list.
13) You don’t get paid enough and when things go wrong you have to blame it on the Chinese. Other executives, like the chairman of Wal*Mart, make about $25 million annually and can’t fault our yellow skin brothers for nothing! They wouldn’t be making that much bread if they were critical. And besides, I like Chinese food.
14) You get paid too much money. If I had more money, my wife would have more clothes. If she has more clothes, I would need more closet space. If I have more closet space, I would have to pay more monthly rent for a larger apartment. This is called trickle-down economics. Remember Reagan? And by the way, does anything “trickle up”?
15) The President of the United States cannot fart in public. As a matter of fact, I’m not sure he is permitted to fart at all. This would require a dramatic change in my diet, and, quite frankly, I don’t think I can handle it.
16) A President and his First Lady always have to act like they are in a celestial, love-filled blissful state. I suppose I should change this one to “ why my wife doesn’t want me to become President.” She usually wants to kill me, and I don’t think she would be willing to surrender that option.
17) Most Presidents have dogs and like to ingratiate themselves with the American public using “Fido” as an illustration of their sincerity and “soft-sidedness.” I like dogs, but they make me sneeze and activate my asthma. When this happens, I drink beer and get drunk. When I get drunk I…well, I’ll just refer you to #15 and add that I still can’t handle it.
18) If you’re President, any place in the world will accept your family credit card. I don’t think I could survive knowing my wife had that power over me.
19 I take bad pictures. Washington had a protruding nose, Lincoln, a protruding forehead, Clinton a protruding…hum, and I have a protruding stomach. No photo-op here unless it’s with a traveling band of Sumo wrestlers.
20) I like to curse—good curses, no gosh darns or mid-western vindictive here. The only President in recent times who was a cussing king was Nixon. And we all know what happened to him. I almost got thrown out of high school, and then got thrown out of college. I don’t think my Mom could handle me being thrown out of the White House. The neighbors would talk!
More to come…
Billy P.
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