"39 Reasons I Don't Want To Be President!" Part 4

This is probably the first and last serial piece that I will write. After 4 installments I have become possessed and I'm beginning to believe that I can handle the job. Si se puede!

31) There has never been a President who has been married to another man. I’m thinking about doing that. It isn’t because I don’t love my wife—I do—or, that I’m homosexual—I’m not; I just want to watch the football games on the weekend without the guilt of a guy who has been caught peeking up some little girl’s dress.

32) There have been 4 Presidents named William in the White House. Two died in office, one was obese and should have died, and the last was married to Hillary Clinton. I’d rather be fat and dead than endure the last option so you can officially count me out.

33) I am in favor of eliminating the 3 time zones of this country and just have one regardless of where you live. I realize this would fly in the face of many practical reasons for establishing these zones in the first place. But I have a tendency to get constipated whenever I change time abruptly. I currently live in Birmingham—Central Time—right close to Atlanta—Eastern Time. After spending so many years in the eastern part of our country, I occasionally have to jump in my car and drive to Atlanta just to have a pleasant weekend making potty. As President, I cannot imagine what would happen with all those overseas trips.

34) The current fad word among candidates is “change.” I hate fads of any type (other than the sexual revolution of the 6o’s), and have to be reminded to change my socks.


35) Considering the reported box office receipts, I assume many people saw the movie, “Independence Day.” In this movie a seemingly omnipotent alien force invades the world. But, lo and behold, we are all saved thanks in part to an American President who happened to be able to fly jets. I rooted for the aliens in this picture!

36) I am a believer that too many hands spoil the pot. With this in mind, I would eliminate the Cabinet and replace it with my friend Turtle. Turtle never says much and has no opinions, whatsoever, about anything. He also got his name when we were kids because he swallowed a turtle rather than surrender it to the teacher. That’s the kind of guy we need in government and if that opinion doesn’t disqualify me, I give up!

37) I am currently unemployed and, often, have been eligible for unemployment coverage after losing a job. The President isn’t eligible for this coverage. A homeless, former President wouldn’t look to good on the nightly news.

38) Presidents are not only the heads of our country, but they are considered, like it or not, as the symbolic head of the American family. I do not have children and if I decided to procreate the race at this late date I’m afraid the resulting product would resemble something made of spare parts; you know, kids that would be so ugly that a leper colony would refuse their admittance.

39) And lastly, I am too good a man for the job. I don’t lie (except on this BLOG). I am a straight talker who will always look you in the eye and give you an honest answer. I have never stolen anything in my life nor advanced myself at the expense of others. I am generous, and never stingy. I would give you the shirt off my back, but you had better like Hawaiians because that’s all I wear. I love my wife, unequivocally. I love my extended family, sisters and mother. I even love my wife’s family, and no one does that! I am kind to animals and the elderly even though I’m allergic to both. And I am patriotic; not the idiot that hollers, “my country, right or wrong," but the patriot that cares enough about his nation and her people who can realize that we often are wrong, but carry with us an inestimable power to make things right—to make things better for ourselves and for our world!

Hell, who would elect a guy like that?

Billy P.