When we are young, let’s say beginning our professional life, we have little or no thought as to how long our lives will be. This lack of interest applies not just to our personal existence but, especially, our professional lives; what we do to earn a living. The path to success has always been obvious; get a good education—the more the better-- get a job that offers the promise of security and opportunity, and then put in your time.
This has been a plan that has worked for countless numbers of Americans for a long, long time. All we had to do was punch the time clock and pick out the spot for our condo in Florida or Arizona.
The interesting thing about this life cycle is that we have become the instrument of our own demise and it’s all happening in hyper-speed. I’m no economic or philosophical commentator—hell, I had to GOOGLE “philosophical” just to spell it (I can’t believe it doesn’t start with a “F”). All generations have had to deal with their self- antiquating; this is that horse and buggy to automobile thing. The point is I don’t think it has ever happened so quickly and with such a demonic and gloomy prophecy. I have heard that the thinking people who live in caves in such places as Harvard, Princeton, etc., indicate that our current business with China erodes something like 2 million U.S. based jobs a year; and that’s just China ,and as it pertains to the manufacturing sector of our economy. What about the service end of business, call centers, customer support, and the like? It’s getting tough to order a pizza without Mahatma Gandhi answering the phone.
Now I’m not smart enough to know if all of this is good or bad. And, frankly My Dear, I don’t give a damn. If everything goes well I’ll be dead within 25 years and you can all figure it out without me. My kicks are derived from observing the people and the super-structure that orchestrates all of the resulting scenarios. We have armed industry with the silver bullet they have needed to shrink their work force or, at a minimum, farm out its function to someone who can do it cheaper. And they expect, or a least attempt, to do all this and still wear their white hats—they want to be the good guys while they neuter your children!
This scenario is playing havoc--maybe for the first time-- with the fortunes of highly educated and skillful professionals. I’m talking about the guy who did all the right things to insure that his professional life, and the retirement that would follow, would be successful; but finds that after 10 or 15 years of loyal service that he is facing the door. Corporate America has even created a new language to dance around what used to be a simple, “You’re fired”! “ Downsized,” I love that term. My sister was “Rightsized.” When she asked her soon-to-be ex-boss what he meant by that, he replied that he was taking a course of action that was “right for the company,” then he fired her.
An executive for AT&T recently explained that all company employees should realized that “we are all contingent workers.” Contingent is a fancy way of asking “what have you done for me lately”? It means you are disposable and doesn’t, not for one minute, consider your contributions over a period of time. And, these large corporations expect—hell, demand-- absolute loyalty; let’s sing the company song attitudes from the individuals they employ. They make these demands while, at the same time, penciling in your name right next to the delete key on their computers.
Much like my sister’s boss, industry is making what I consider bizarre attempts at changing the English language. I suppose they do this to deflect any wild and crazy thoughts that they might be dirty bastards! At AT&T, after announcing plans to reduce its work force by 40,000, an executive from HR explained, “no one was being fired or laid off.” AT&T was simply carrying out something called its “forced management program” and that those who would find themselves without jobs simply were “unassigned.” This guy added that traditional jobs should now be considered “projects” and “ fields of work.” In this way a person might be “jobless, but not workless.” I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP, PEOPLE!!
I thought that as a public service and life-long student of the English language I might lend a hand to these executives with the hope that I might make their jobs a little bit easier. With that in mind, I offer revised definitions of often used business words that can be found in any popular dictionary.
§ Pension- a boarding house; “Do you have a pension?” “Yes, I do. But it only has 1 bedroom and no place to pee because I did not make enough money at my job.”
§ Job- A person of the Old Testament or a person who believes in the Old Testament; “Do you have a Job?” “No, I now follow the New Testament.”
§ Loyalty- The second album from the Hip Hop Group, SCREWBALL, produced by Ayatollah & Godfather Dan.
§ Salary-An allowance of sea salt given to Roman soldiers as wages; “My salary isn’t worth a grain of salt.”
§ Retirement- A car that has dropped out of a race because of mechanical failure or accident; Need I say more?
§ Office- A monastic duty to pray 7 times a day; Seems like a good idea if you have a job with a Fortune 500 Company.
§ WAGE- A radio station in Leesburg, Virginia.
§ Worker- A sterile member of a colony of social insects that forages for food and cares for the larvae; except for the larvae, in most cases, doesn’t this sound familiar?
§ Boss- A circular, rounded projection or protuberance; Sound like “Dick Head” to you?
§ And lastly, HAPPINESS- SOMETHING ABOUT A MYTHOLOGICAL EMOTION OR FEELING ABOUT JUST BEING HAPPY!
As the Pig would say:
“THAT’S ALL FOLKS!”
Billy P.
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