
Love has always presented itself in unpredictable ways and, usually, with unpredictable faces. But I don’t think many of us would have dreamed that the magical connection would ever have been something called a “search engine” whose loving touch wouldn’t be cupid’s arrow, but the “Go” button on your keyboard. Simple as all that!
I’m married now—happily, I should add—my wife proof- reads my scribbling! There was a time when my friends would compliment me. “Billy P.” they would say, “you always find the most attractive women.” I would always respond with a similar factual statement: “You should have seen the 50 or so that I asked out before I got someone to say, ‘Yes’.” And that was the truth. I always looked at dating like a wine making process. You have to step on a lot of grapes before you get wine. In the falling- in- love business, you have to get your heart stepped on before you get the final product—and, hopefully, it’s just your heart!
A friend of mine recently decided to give that eHarmony deal a try. After filling out their 6 million-word profile, the one that supplies the “29 Dimensions” to true compatibility, she started to receive replies. Out of the first ten responses, 3 were from psychiatrists! Is that too funny, or what?
I’m not doing much productive these days, so I’m thinking about getting into the “fix-you-up” business with a business plan that combines harmony’s Christian zeal with my old friend Louie the Pimp’s business concepts that didn’t have much of a religious affiliation, but were certainly time tested. Help me with my questionnaire, please.
Our staff of experts prepared the following questions. They have been carefully crafted to appeal to and be useful for all sexes, sexual orientations, and political aspirants. Transgender applicants should disregard as you already have reached a mature understanding of dealing with both sexes.
I’m married now—happily, I should add—my wife proof- reads my scribbling! There was a time when my friends would compliment me. “Billy P.” they would say, “you always find the most attractive women.” I would always respond with a similar factual statement: “You should have seen the 50 or so that I asked out before I got someone to say, ‘Yes’.” And that was the truth. I always looked at dating like a wine making process. You have to step on a lot of grapes before you get wine. In the falling- in- love business, you have to get your heart stepped on before you get the final product—and, hopefully, it’s just your heart!
A friend of mine recently decided to give that eHarmony deal a try. After filling out their 6 million-word profile, the one that supplies the “29 Dimensions” to true compatibility, she started to receive replies. Out of the first ten responses, 3 were from psychiatrists! Is that too funny, or what?
I’m not doing much productive these days, so I’m thinking about getting into the “fix-you-up” business with a business plan that combines harmony’s Christian zeal with my old friend Louie the Pimp’s business concepts that didn’t have much of a religious affiliation, but were certainly time tested. Help me with my questionnaire, please.
Our staff of experts prepared the following questions. They have been carefully crafted to appeal to and be useful for all sexes, sexual orientations, and political aspirants. Transgender applicants should disregard as you already have reached a mature understanding of dealing with both sexes.
- Do you spend much time starring at yourself in the shower; if so, do you hear little voices that make lurid suggestions about ways to use your washrag?
- Can you swallow a raw oyster while imagining a sexual encounter between FDR and his wife, Eleanor?
- Who does Neil Clark Warren, the President of eHarmony, most resemble: your grandfather, my grandfather, or his grandfather? Please select a minimum of 2 responses.
- Explain the similarities of the "29 Dimensions of Compatibility", the "Eight-Fold Path", and the "Kama-Sutra"?
- Describe, in detail, the perfect date in this weakening economy. All responses must exclude any involvement of physical, conversational, or imaginable sexual conduct.
- When did you last attend a Barry Manilow concert, and did you participate in the "wave"?
- You have arranged an encounter with 3 persons whose pictures you have never seen. Upon arrival, you realize that the first person has no legs and is distinguished only by a protruding cleft-lip; the second, has 2 baling hooks in place of hands and speaks Spanish; the third person is burned to such a degree that its sex and native language are indistinguishable. How fast can you exit the building if the door behind you has been permanently locked?
- What do Adolph Eichmann, Mark Phelps, and the Dali Lama have in common?
- If you had $500 would you be willing to send it to me and my friend Louie as payment for a guaranteed good-time date?
- Lastly, if the answer to the above questions is yes, can you make that payment in cash?
I think that I will stick to the old-fashion ways of meeting people. All this chemistry stuff confuses me. And, besides, the only recipe I can follow is for Jello, and I'm not too fond of that either.
Billy P.
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