Unlike a lot of men, I love women—I mean, I really love women. I think I even understand them. With that bold statement in mind, I think most women, if they could be given a choice—and armed with the knowledge about this pestilence called “Menopause”-- just might decide to choose a gender change at the point of their delivery. I would rather have permanent boils on my butt than have to deal with the changes and symptoms that accompany this “change of life” because it ain’t no way to change nothin’!
Just take a look at symptoms that read like a bad, bill-of-fare at the local greasy spoon:
Hot flashes and night sweats
Forgetfulness
Moodiness
Changes in urination
Weight gain and shift
Headaches
Palpitations, Joint Pain, Skin and Hair Loss, and a partridge in a pear tree!
I’ll have mine with dry toast, please!
And this isn’t “The Doctor Is In. Com”, so I’m leaving the private part stuff out of the article.
As much empathy as I have for women who all must face this dreaded time, I have matching empathy for those men who must endure this strange ride with their special partners. No one ever told me about this when I started to peep up dresses in elementary school. If I had known, I might be working the night shift at the “Birdcage” with Nathan Lane!
Let’s face it—if it’s supposed to be a “women-thing”, how come they call it “menopause”? Why not “womenopause” and just leave us guys to watching football games and scratching our butts during commercials?
After some time of having to deal with this situation, we have compiled a preventative “do-list” for those of my gender who are currently enduring a confusing time.
As always, our group of “staff “experts has created our list.
Wear at least 6 condoms to bed at night. Menopause is not contagious—this is just a reminder that it is more difficult to cut through rubber than skin!
If you kiss your wife, make certain that you have, at least, 3 reasons for doing so. She is not going to believe the first 2.
Never give the wife the name of your first love even if you were 5 years old when the feelings immersed your soul. Everything you try to be “sociable” she is going to remind you that, “Yeah, you may be kissing me, but you’re thinking of that Bitch!”
Maintain an adequate supply of prescription drugs—Valium, Zanax, Loritabs, or any painkiller will do—you will need them for yourself!
You will receive many questions that are actually accusations. I suggest that your initial response to these questions be a lie—save the truth for the last. You will always have to give in—no matter what—so why not end with the real thing?
Consume only light, low-fat foods and take daily enemas. I’m not sure this will help, but you will be more agile when the first attempt on your life is made.
When possible, walk thru all public places where women can be observed, with your eyes closed. This may seem impossible, but you will be surprised how adept you are at it especially if you’re dealing with a prolonged “pause.”
Try moving to an Arabic nation where killing your wife is “Okay”—as long as you have a good reason for doing so.
Consider a sex change. Oprah always looking for a good story.
And lastly, don’t read this article and, if you already have, deny it! After all, I’ve told my wife that I’m spending this afternoon looking at our wedding pictures. Let’s work together and keep our stories straight. You know, for the good of Mankind!!
Billy P.
No comments:
Post a Comment