The book “Catch 22” will forever be one of my favorite toms. The phrase, ‘Catch 22”, is used so frequently that it has even entered our dictionaries and is described broadly as a “ situation in which a desired outcome is impossible to obtain because of a set of inherently illogical conditions or rules.”
Every now and then I like to invite my friends to tell me about their “Catch” situations. But I always go first.
A cashier at Blockbuster recently advised me that I had a late charge for a movie. I realized that this was a mistake, but I went ahead and paid the fee, anyway, just to be done with it. When I arrived home, the morning mail included a notice from Blockbuster advising me that I would have to pay a full retail price for this same movie as “it had not been returned.” I returned immediately to the store with my receipt for payment and the notice to make my case, when the cashier interrupted:
“I’m sorry, Sir, you did not pay a late charge for this movie… Blockbuster no longer charges late fees.”
At this point I’m a bit confused considering I’m holding a receipt in my hand that I received from this same guy thirty minutes earlier.
“You were assessed a restocking fee,” he continued.
“What, pray tell, is a restocking fee?” I asked.
“A restocking fee is assessed to cover the cost of restocking an item that has been returned past its due date.”
“So allow me to understand all of this,” I persisted. “In my right hand I have a notice that states that I didn’t return your movie and in my left hand I have a receipt for the charges to restock the same movie that I didn’t return, correct?”
Get ready for this, he replied, “Yes, that’s correct.”
I’m a nice guy but I have to write this guy off as “un-fixably stupid.”
One of my friends replied to this story with his “Catch”. He is on the verge of filing for business and personal bankruptcy. He thought he would call his major creditors who are mortgage companies and give the “heads-up” on his situation and, perhaps, negotiate some debt relief. His overture was promptly rejected on the grounds that he could not be given a debt relief plan because his credit standing was too good!
It seems that you have to be broke before you go broke!
All of this reminds me of my first employer, Bernie Greenbaum. Bernie owned a local grocery store and spoke Yiddish better than he did English. He also had a temper and loved to tell his customers to go shop elsewhere if they thought the prices was too high or the bread wasn’t fresh enough. He would always end his farewell salutations for deposed customers with the same heavily accented: “And fur yu, even if ve gotit--- ve dun’t gotit!”
Now I know what he means!
Short Bits:
§ Has anyone noticed the number of celebrity chefs appearing on T.V. who are of English or Australian heritage? When is the last time you got hungry for any of their food? As for me, I prefer my marsupials with mayonnaise! Anyone who has studied history knows that the British tried to, and in fact did, rule most of the world not because they were imperialists—as some would claim—they were just hungry, for crying out loud! You try living off of Kidney Pie, chap! Hell, let’s invade a country and get something to eat!
§ Who in the world is Billy Mays and how did he become “Spokesperson” for just about everything being sold on T.V.? Remember: “Hi, I’m Billy Mays and I’m here to tell you about the magic of OXY- CLEAN.” And the voice—the guy must have worked with Brahma bulls in a rodeo and knows the secret of making them buck. He’s applying the same technique to himself to get his voice so high and screechy. Either that or he’s drinking OXY-CLEAN!
§ There’s a company in Florida that sells, get ready for this, “Safe Sex Cards”. The idea, I suppose, is to assure your partner that everything is cool—not to mention clean! I just can’t imagine where you swipe the card.
§ I recently purchased a MP-3 player for my wife. Two weeks elapsed from the time of purchase until the day I gave it to her (it was a gift for an occasion). Upon opening the device, I soon realized that it didn’t function properly because of a faulty connecting cable. I immediately, the same day, returned the product with the intent of exchanging it… I didn’t want my money returned, I wanted a product that worked. The customer service agent, and later the store manager, initially refused to do so. Their statement was that for a product that cost less than $100, I should have purchased the product performance policy that all the stores try to sell us nowadays. Am I loosing my mind or is there something that stinks about having—call it what the store will-- an “insurance policy” to guarantee that the brand new product I’m buying in good faith is supposed to be brand new and works? What happened to the American concept of “Good Faith In Purchases”? Let the Chinamen guarantee it—they built it! Is that asking too much?
Well now I’m all fired up and it seems like time to pour a couple of cold ones. I think I’ll drink American beer-- they guarantee satisfaction!
Billy P.
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