"The Times, They Are A Changing."

Like so many persons of my generation- whatever generation that is- I sometimes feel consumed like an undersized donut by the rapid- fire advances of technology and the times that pass with it.

I mean you are talking to a kid who tried to drink out of a bidet the first time he saw one (beady, for those of us who don’t speak French); a plausible idea when you think about it – the water does flow upward!

Thank God porcelain is so hard. If I hadn’t chipped my tooth I might have been successful at quenching my thirst!

I am not very old, at least, by my reckoning. And yet, the house in which I was raised had four changes of heating source during in its lifetime: coal, electric, oil, and gas.

There were horse troughs in my neighborhood because the streets were so narrow that horses were used to deliver produce and dairy products. (Did you know that a horse could eat and poop at the same time?)

For crying out loud, the worst accident my family ever endured was when my father, who was driving our car, crashed into a run-away horse that had sprinted into our path. Yuck-- not a nice picture! And this, people, was in the middle of Philadelphia! Not even close to Texas!

For most of us who have lived more that two or three decades the changes that have occurred in science or social mores is simply mind – boggling. I thought I would make a list for myself just to keep track of my dementia.

Women now have breasts. In the 50’s if they had them you seldom saw them, never touched them and confessed to all of the above if you were a Catholic and were worried about your place in Heaven. I spent a lot of time saying Hail Mary’s after Playboy hit the shelves.

I don’t want to stay on the subject of sex – actually, I would but that’s another Hail Mary – but parts of our anatomy were cleverly disguised by code words. A man’s major organ, for example, might be called a member. I never quite understood that one:

“John was given our highest award at the Club and all the members stood up and applauded."


Athletes used to get in shape by consuming copious quantities of beer. Now they shoot up with muscle enhancing drugs! Wow, where’s the professionalism?

Family T.V. shows usually featured a father who would frequently threaten his kids with corporal punishment. Remember the Beaver? I wanted to hit this kid myself and I was a kid!

In today’s affairs, you are more likely to see a kid file charges against his parents because they took his Internet privileges away.

Mary Tyler Moore caused a big stir when she chose to set a fashion trend by wearing Capri pants on the Dick Van Dyke show. Nowadays, on T.V., clothing is optional!

I’m still trying to figure out how we jumped from a Princess Phone to a Blackberry? I must have missed a commercial.

All in all, I love the changes although, I must admit, I sometimes feel like I’m being spun around in a game of Pin-The- Tail On- The- Donkey and we’re using a dozen real donkeys as the targets.

Well, if you don’t go with the times, time will pass you by-- and, with that in mind, I’m late for my next lesson in human sexuality at TITSANDASS. Com (don’t forget all those cute www. things).

Billy P.


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