Just when you thought the Cold War had melted its last tray of ice-cubes, the Russkis get crazy and invade my beloved Georgia. I spent 35 years of my life in Georgia, learned to love the people and call the land “my home”. This sudden betrayal by the Russians will set our relationship back hundreds of years, not to mention jeopardize the upcoming Bull Dawgs football season, which had promised to be one of our greatest ever. Wo is me!
If the bullies had to come down off their steppes and start a fight, why couldn’t they wait until the Bowl games were over, or, better yet, invade some other state—like South Florida. There’s a place we can all do without.
Now this may seem to be a shocking suggestion to many of you. I mean, what can be wrong with South Florida with its beaches, ocean, and balmy, wonderful weather?
My response to that question is that there is nothing wrong with all of those assets. It’s the rest of the state that gives me a problem--the people, especially the OLD PEOPLE who usually migrate from the North. They call them Snowbirds, but that doesn’t capture the essence of what these folks are all about. There is no bird in existence as mean as these creatures.
Now I realize this statement is contrary to our generally presumed adulation of the Senior Citizen. Just give me a second to explain; after all, I am a card-carrying member of AARP myself.
ELDERLY folks, like your grandmother, realize that there is a starting and finishing point in life: our birth and our death. Everything in the middle is called “ageing” and most ELDERLY folks do this very well and gracefully.
OLD PEOPLE are of the same species-- at least I think so-- except they are probably dead. They just don’t know it!
Rather than let their age represent an accumulation of a life well-spent, OLD PEOPLE are, more or less, condemned to the years they have spent on this earth and like to draw the rest of the world into their daily misery. They are mean, petulant, quick to anger and often complain more than a tennis player in a match during a thunderstorm with a near-sighted line judge. The long and short of it all is that they confirm a thought I have had for most of my life; that is, if you are a jerk when you are thirty you will probably be a jerk when you are one-hundred and thirty!
I used to hang around a lot of supermarkets when I lived in SoFlo, as I like to call it. Supermarkets are a good place to research the habits and behavior of OLD PEOPLE. This is where you get to see their very best, worst! One day while observing their activities, I entered the dairy section, which is, usually, a pacific area of a market, let’s say compared to a Deli section. (“ Thin, you call this sliced thin?”) Or, how about: (“Ten dollars for a pound of Boar’s Head? Did I say I wanted the whole cow?”) A women-- I would guess somewhere between eighty and ninety years of age, in the loudest of all voices-- was totally berating a man.
“You people are crazy,” she screamed in an accent only her mother would recognize. “Why would anyone put blue screw tops on milk. Who drinks milk with blue screw tops? They should be white, like in the old country, and the bottle should be real glass.”
The man stood calmly with his arms folded.
She continued her tirade for what seemed like an eternity and paused only to remind this poor guy that if it weren’t for the recent death of her beloved husband, she would return to New York in a minute’s time.
When she finally finished, the guy stood quietly for a few seconds and then spoke in the calmest of voices:
“Are you finished, Mame?”
“I could say a lot more, but who is paying attention,” she added somewhat prophetically.
He gave a knowing look and said: “ The next time you have a comment about store policy you might want to be certain that the person at whom you’re screaming is an employee.”
He was just a customer
The OLD PERSON just shrugged, said nothing, and acted as if he deserved it anyway!
After many experiences like this I became hardened to the SoFlo way of life. It gave me a laugh when I announced to my friends that my wife was again transferred and we had chosen Georgia as our option.
“Man, haven’t you heard about the crime in Georgia? A friend asked.
“Man, haven’t you heard about the crime in SoFlo ?” I retorted
Just a couple of highlights about the good life by the sea:
§ In South Florida OLD PEOPLE are enamored with cosmetic surgery. Plastic surgeons are to Miami like BBQ joints to Georgia. These folks give liposuction to their pets.
§ I knew one OLDIE who was pulled so tight that her liver spots were on the back of her head; made her look like an old pair of argyle socks.
§ In Florida OLDIES always have the right-of-way, even if it means driving through your living room.
§ Crashing your car through convenience stores is so common that some of the chains are providing their cashiers with an extra dot on their heads… for good luck, of course!
§ Haiti doesn’t have to worry about feeding their people anymore; they have all moved to SoFlo and are working as caretakers for OLDIES. Like most immigrants, they are doing work that we wouldn’t touch. I can still hear their refrain: “No, Mr. Kravitz…No ‘Doo-Doo’ until you’re out of the wheel chair.” Mr. Kravitz, of course, can’t hear.
§ Pedestrians are also known as road kill in the land down under. You would stand a better chance of surviving a three month cruise on the Hindenburg with a group of chain- smokers than walking to school in the morning.
§ Stopping at red lights in Florida is optional especially if you’re from Jamaica or Central America. I don’t think these people like the color red.
§ This is the only state in the union where the traditional southern salutation “have a nice day” receives a response of “what’s in it for you?"
Why anyone in his or her right mind would want to live there is beyond me! After two years of counting guys at the beach with knee-high black, stretch socks, I found myself quietly wishing for a hurricane of monumental proportions that might wash away the entire area so we could start anew.
I am just happy that Walt Disney didn’t put Mickey further south than Orlando.
I would miss the rides.
Billy P
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